#2

contd....

Given all this, a feeling of insecurity has enveloped me. This feeling of insecurity shows its ugly head in the form of radical thoughts that I have developed of late. Thoughts of not getting married, thoughts of feminist outlook, thoughts mostly radical or mostly negative about life.

Though the genesis of these thoughts, as I just mentioned, is not a standard one, I still find these radical thoughts very rational. That is to say, I might have discovered these while in not-so-ideal-circumstances of life, but they do make ample sense to me somehow. And now that I have discovered them, it is like I feel I have always believed in them. (I keep on calling them radical because for a normal person they are radical, but essentially these radical ideas are more tailor-made to make them sound rational). I am gonna share with you these thoughts which I am seriously giving consideration to. However, as a disclaimer, please note that you might find these thoughts meaningless and immature, like my life and me, respectively.

So, there is a pattern which we all follow in life. We are born, we study, get a job, marry, have kids, do all sorts of things to keep our kids happy, and eventually die. Cant we change the course of this pattern to suit ourselves? Yes. Will that be acceptable to the society? No. Haha! That’s where the buck stops! Society, which we all are a part of.

If there was a way to minimize the influence of society on our family and people that matter, I would rather not marry and alter the pattern I mentioned above. Wouldn’t it just be awesome to earn what your job pays and spend it all on yourself and your parents, rather than saving it for your kids education and marriage in future?  No? Yes?

I know most of you all who read this will call me a psycho and pray for my mental well being, for which I say “thank you”. But come on, is it necessary to marry someone?

I have discussed this with some wise people. What emerges out is, maybe yes, marrying is an essential part. Why so? Simply because today you have friends to hang out  with. But gradually each one is set to get married and get busy with their lives. Thus, leaving you alone at the ‘centre’ of your friends ‘circle’, where it appears that you are surroundeed with so many other points but you will soon realize that all these points are at a certain distance from you, making you feel all the more a hermit. So its better to bridge the gap with a radius, find a partner and join the circular party, than to stay alone at the centre of the circle. 

So altering the pattern by not getting married might be a bit boring. However, you can suit yourself by not making children after marriage. An ideal situation is that you get married to a person who thinks like you. So it is like 1/100000000000 = 0 chance that you meet a person who is ready to marry you, and NOT have kids! Now that’s a pathbreaking thought!

Wouldn’t it be just fun that the two of you just pool your resources and take a nice long trip to places like Greece and Prague and Paris every 3-4 months, than earning your salary, investing it, saving it all for your kids for their education and marriage and insurance. Uff !! Really, why do people want kids!

All those arguments of budhape ka sahara and log kya kahenge, are crap and not acceptable. Till date I have not found a counter-argument or a ratioanle to nullify the substance of this thought of getting married and not having kids.

This is the most comfortable and easier path I am ready to accept as my future. Having said that , things can change because the basic assumption--- "there is a way to minimize the influence of society on our family and people that matter"--- on which all these possibilities were built on was a weak one; further, it is next to impossible to find a partner who would not want kids.

Fact of the matter is-From where i see, future looks scary and pitch dark. This thought of not having kids and enjoying life as i please, gives me a comfort to atleast take that first plunge into the darkness-- n get married. 

Kids, well, we will cross that bridge when it comes. (*I will just ensure the bridge never comes*)

Oh and no, my marriage is not on the cards. Goodnight/day!

#1

Opening it after months, the keys of my laptop are hard to press; similar is the case with my brain. Words are difficult to extract from it and sprinkle on this screen. Happens when you are blogging after so long that you don’t remember when you last gave your brain that prospect to find an expression for the things within.

Last year and this….. Tough! Probably the toughest 2 years of my life, professionally and personally both. Professional front, now, seems stable. Personal front is like a cracked glass of a car you are driving- neither has it broken into pieces, nor does it let you see the road ahead. But car is running as it must! There are no simple answers there.

Sometimes it appears that peace is walking towards me at a gingerly pace; and in an endeavor to embrace it I realize it was never there. I have never faced any problem this difficult and so long lasting. Soooo long, that even after grappling with it for over a year, there is no answer. 

If that weren’t enough, there is a constant pressure of age which is now entering the danger zone, exerting pressure to get married, while I am in the worst possible state of mind which is too fragile to decide anything that will keep me at peace. 

Contd............